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I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
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