I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
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"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?