I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
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So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
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Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.