Dicks are not precious.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.