I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
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In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
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I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.