I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong