I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
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Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.