I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Women Confess 25 Instant Deal-Breakers On A Man’s Dating Profile
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends