Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.