I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.