Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...