This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.