You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.