At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
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If I die, sorry about rent.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
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At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse