At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
If I die, sorry about rent.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
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We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.