And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?