If I die, sorry about rent.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.