You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.