I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.