Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity