Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
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The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
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it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am