Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
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can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.