well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?