i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.