the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
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i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
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First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino