college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.