I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
