she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets