My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
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the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.