I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.