Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall