its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sober January is a disaster.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.