you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?