Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
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So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Sober January is a disaster.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
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My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.