I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.