you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much