if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.