you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes