Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great