jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I could make wine with my vomit