Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order