Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?