If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.