I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.