Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.