I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention