getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation