He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
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I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.