All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.