Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
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So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
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I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....