They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No more Irish car bombs ever.