I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.