disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.