All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death