good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.