My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.