My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
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you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.