I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?