How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
This Twitter User’s Story About Meeting A Notorious Serial Killer Will Leave You Shook
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
He melted the stem
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
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It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.