My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.