phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.