My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...