He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness