I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.