He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...