Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
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I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...