I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
19 Totally Clueless People That’ll Make You Say ‘Bless Your Heart’
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
30 Times Ryan Reynolds’ Replies Were The Funniest Thing On Twitter
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons