Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.