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This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
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