Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies