Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.