The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.