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A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
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