I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
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I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
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I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again