Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
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By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
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She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.